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Firstly, I would like to apologize to my tens of readers for my recent absence. I know that for the last month or so the extent of your readings has been the ticker on ESPN 2, and for that I have nothing but regret. Perhaps my written silence was do to the Red Sox losing to a team that couldn’t sell out World Series Games, or maybe watching a Patriots team give up 38 points and hundreds of yards to a team that wears teal and is quarterbacked by a right-handed Johnny Damon. Whatever the reason; I’m back now to fill your heads with more over-opinionated, under researched, sporting excrement.

Many hot topics have come up since I last wrote, but today I think we should discuss an ancient institution that has taken a drastically wrong turn in the current “politically correct” era; Cheerleading. If anyone has watched a big conference college football game lately, I’m sure they’ve noticed the issue with the new generation of Cheerleaders. Where once a USC pom-pommer was an adolescence wet-dream, now it’s a heterosexual’s nightmare. In this age of “everyone’s beautiful” and sudo-feminism, Cheerleading has become a club that any co-ed with cankles and a dream can thrive in.

High School Cheerleaders have been plumping up for years, and I guess that’s okay since we really shouldn’t be looking anyway. If some 16 year-old oinker wants to roll around the track while the others cartwheel, I’m not going to be the one to stop her. (but someone should before she gathers a head of steam; inertia is a hell of a thing.) My issue is when that same “less-than-slender” goes out for the college squad and eclipses the game with her own version of the “truffle shuffle.”

There are no 200 pound linemen in division 1 college football, and there should be no 300 pound Cheerleaders. A wise man once told me, “every tree needs a stump”, but I say; every tree needs a couple of branches too.  Otherwise it ends up being a fat ugly tree that nobody wants to look at; and that’s no fun for anyone. Gone are the days of anorexic chain-smokers, which is definitely a good thing.  Here are the days of buffet clearing trailer-park dwellers seen on gross-out text messages from old high-school buddies. The pendulum has swung my friends, and it swung right into a peanut butter and Crisco sandwich.

Cheerleaders need not exist at all, and I for one wish they would disappear. At one point in time the idea was a good one, but it has ran it’s course. By sexing up a football game men got too greedy. In the 70’s and 80’s it was great, but the times changed and that pesky woman’s rights movement caught up with us. Cheerleaders will never be the same again, and for as long as they exist, they will be clogging up the camera lenses and oozing sweat with a subtle stench of bacon grease. We can give up cheerleaders men. It sounds harsh, but we can. More and more attractive women are attending sporting events now, so we can stare at them. But if you truly need a fix of the modern-day cheerleader, you can see them too. Just wait in line at the DMV, or hit up a buffet line at CiCi’s.